Hadriel IC Inbox

[itsnotaonesie]

Hey! This is Peter. Leave a message, you know how this works. I'll get back to you as soon as I can, if I don't break my phone. Big if.

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Comments

how could you do us dirty like this dw

[itsnotaonesie]

[SORRY FOR THE FAKE OUT, BRO.

Peter starts to type a reply, realizes he has absolutely no idea how he wants to word it, and tries again. Four times. Turns out words are hard when your brain is full of fuck. Finally he settles on something less complicated.]

can you meet somewhere?

it can wait if it's too short notice

[casualryder]

[He can't even be mad. He's pretty sure he would have (and might have) done the same thing.]

it's not like i have a full schedule over here. i'm just patrolling. where do you want to meet?

[itsnotaonesie]

somewhere outside the city

this place is screwing with me again

i know it's pretty far out but is the lake okay?

[casualryder]

shit, yeah...i knew something felt odd. give me ten minutes and i'll be there.

[And sure enough he will indeed be there, armored as usual.]

[itsnotaonesie]

thanks

be there soon

["soon" is about fifteen minutes after Scott gets there. Damn Scotty you fast]

Hey, um. Sorry I'm late, had a mess at the lab to clean up.

[casualryder]

[To be fair he tends to super jump/dash literally everywhere he goes whether he's in a hurry or not. Either way, he doesn't seem bothered by the wait.]

Don't worry about it. Nothing too bad, I hope.

[itsnotaonesie]

[bro slow down!!! But good, Peter would have felt bad if he'd annoyed Scott]

No, no, it was, um. I just broke something, didn't wanna just leave it there for Newt to trip over or whatever.

[casualryder]

Ah, gotcha.

[He nods his head in understanding, rubbing the back of his head after a moment as he falls silent. He figures it's best to let Peter open however he wants, but of course that results in Scott going sort of awkwardly silent. He's good at this, okay?]

[itsnotaonesie]

[Peter shrugs all "YEP that was a thing" and then. Sticks his hands in his pockets annnnnd stares at the ground

for probably too long

and wow this dead silence is like reeeeeeeeeeeeeally awkward]

Uh. S-so...

[MmmmMMMM that was almost a start let's try that again]

I... have no idea what I'm doing.

[In this specific situation or just in general? I mean, both. It's both.]

[casualryder]

[That's fine, it's fine. Scott will let the awkward silence pass for as long as Peter needs it to. Though, there's a point where he thinks maybe he...should be saying something? But then he finally begins to speak and...ah.

Without even the specifics that sure is a relatable feeling.

There's a pause on Scott's end, again, but this time it's for lack of knowing what to say and instead him trying to put together how to say it. He nods again, but this time it's a heavier nod, "I understand completely" without saying the words, along with a sigh because this is not an easy feeling to deal with and it kind of sucks that Peter has to.]

You'll find your footing, Peter. That's all you can do. Things are going to go wrong along the way.

[He can feel it in his own words; that he knows it's not super inspirational or helpful, that he doesn't even want to say it because it's not inspiring. But it's not coming from an empty place. He believes it. And he believes in Peter's ability to handle it.]

[itsnotaonesie]

[Logically, yes, Peter knows that Scott's completely right. Peter's still young, still finding his footing. He's good at what he does, but he hasn't completely honed himself yet. The problem is, he thinks he should be completely on top of his game by now, because he feels like he has to be. Feels like he has to protect everyone, but when he thinks he failed to do that, well. This happens.]

No. No, that's not good enough. Not when things go wrong and people end up dead along the way! I don't--

[He hadn't intended to go off like that, so he stops himself and abruptly turns away. I mean on the plus side at least the awkward silence is like, not awkward anymore?]

[casualryder]

[It's definitely not an awkward silence anymore. But now Scott is feeling...helpless? Ironic, given what they're talking about, but he hasn't quite figured out what to do when you don't know what to do. When you feel like people died because you weren't prepared. He has no idea.]

Trust me, I know. I know that sounds like some cop out answer. I know it's bullshit. [His words become impassioned but not out of anger at Peter's reply. It's because he just doesn't know the right way to deal with this.] But with things like this? It's going to happen. People are going to die. Sometimes you're just...helpless to stop it.

You can't take on that burden yourself, Peter. It's not your fault.

[itsnotaonesie]

[He crosses his arms, still staring out at the frozen tundra while he tries to let Scott's words sink in. He's not wrong, everything Scott says makes sense. Again, logically, Peter knows he's right, but Peter's mind isn't really in a logical place right now.]

...I'm supposed to be stronger than this.

[In what way, he doesn't elaborate. Stronger in the sense that he can't/i> be helpless to stop bad things from happening to people, or stronger as in he should be keeping his shit together right now and not dumping his baggage all over Scott? Kinda both, really]

I-- s-sorry. I shouldn't have drug you out here.

[casualryder]

[For a moment Scott is at a loss for words. He simply turns to face the frozen tundra as well, silently letting those words echo in his head. But he realizes there's one thing he's sure of.]

Don't be. I'm glad you did. Keeping this kind of thing inside can tear you apart, trust me on this. [He rubs at the back of his neck and laughs humorlessly.] Sometimes I'm a hair away from curling up into the fetal position myself.

[It's not a lie but that's mostly meant to lighten the mood. That doesn't mean he's good at it. Either way, he keeps going.]

The point is; it's normal, it's fine. It doesn't make you weak. Regardless of armor, super powers, age, or physiology, we're all vulnerable.

[itsnotaonesie]

[It may not have lightened the mood by much, but it does prompt a small, brief grin from Peter. He knows that feel, bro.]

I get what you're saying, and I mean, it's not wrong? I don't think my problem is... I'm not afraid of being weak sometimes. Everyone has moments like that, and that's fine. My thing is... I have these abilities, these powers, right? I can do stuff that's kind of insane, and I feel like I have a responsibility to use these powers to help people. That means I have to be on top of my game, I don't have an excuse not to be. People shouldn't be getting hurt or dying because I reacted too slow, it's just not acceptable. I can't let myself be vulnerable, because it's my job to protect people.

[casualryder]

Peter, you can't possibly live up to these standards you're putting on yourself. No one can.

[Sometimes Scott wonders if he should feel guilty when he recognizes his own limitations, given what he's been charged with doing. But moments like this...seeing it from the outside, from someone he considers a friend, maybe he really shouldn't.]

You're going to wear yourself down like this and you won't be able to help anyone.

[itsnotaonesie]

[Peter doesn't respond right away, he's too busy weighing Scott's words against his own... perhaps unreasonable expectations for himself. Scott's definitely right, if Peter keeps expecting more and more of himself, eventually he's going to burn out. At the same time though, if Peter had just been a little faster, maybe he could have saved Delight. If he'd just been a little stronger, maybe he could have stopped Thanos. If he'd just pushed himself a little harder, everything could have turned out so much differently, and maybe he wouldn't end up laying awake every night questioning his every move.

Eventually he breaks the silence, finally turning to look at Scott again.]

I... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if I can justify just... slowing down when things get bad. Like, if something bad happens that I could have prevented, I feel like that's on me.

[casualryder]

It's not slowing down.

[He makes sure he's firm when he says that, even if being firm isn't exactly his speed.]

You're handling things the way you should, you hear me? You're doing good. But just because you're doing good doesn't mean everything is going to work out in the end. You can go out there and be the absolute best you can be and it's not always going to work out. Sometimes you get thrown a massive curve ball and there's nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome.

It's not on you. This wasn't on you.

[itsnotaonesie]

[It's as firm as Peter needs right now, at least. He already has a lot of experience with exactly the sort of situation Scott just described, but the reassurance that it really wasn't on Peter is helping. Even if Peter doesn't entirely look like he's accepted it. He's considering it as a possibility, and that's progress.

Delight wasn't on him. Thanos wasn't on him. Peter's going to try his best to believe it.]

Yeah, I... I understand. I do.

[casualryder]

[...He's not used to that working, in like, any capacity. But he's glad that he seems to have gotten through to him, even if only the smallest, tiny bit. That tiny bit just might be enough to at least get him started in the right direction. Scott knows it's not going to be easy. But the first step is admitting that maybe not everything is your fault, right?

He gives Peter a light pat on the shoulder.]

You're not alone in this. Remember that.

[itsnotaonesie]

I know, man. Thanks.

[There's still a lot of thinking he needs to do before he's got this all sorted out, but his head's in a better place than it was before. Peter isn't quite feeling better about everything, but he's at least feeling okayish enough to make a dumb joke so here goes]

...Is this the part where we're supposed to hug it out or whatever?

[casualryder]

[Good. Joking is good and Scott feels relieved that Peter feels ok enough to do that. He doesn't want to push too hard but he also wouldn't feel right if he left this conversation without any indication that it helped at all. But there was a glimmer of something, so he thinks it's safe moving on right now. Peter will definitely need time to sort through whatever he's feeling.]

We could, but fair warning, my hugs turn into headlocks about eight-five percent of the time.

[He's joking but he's also 100% serious.]

[itsnotaonesie]

[He'll figure it out. Or something else will come along and scar him horribly before he gets a chance to. That's how we do.]

You couldn't keep me in a headlock if your life depended on it, but good to know.

[He too is joking, but he's also 100% serious.]

[casualryder]

[No, everything is ok now and it will continue to be ok.]

...I hate that I can't even dispute that.

[He's not freakishly powerful no fair.]

But if you weren't freaky strong I could totally keep you in a headlock.

[itsnotaonesie]

[lmao oh it sure will buddy.

But the good new is, Peter's cheering up a bit. He even manages to laugh a little.]

Okay, I'll give you that. If I was normal, you could totally keep me in a headlock.