itsnotaonesie | Hadriel IC Inbox

Hey! This is Peter. Leave a message, you know how this works. I'll get back to you as soon as I can, if I don't break my phone. Big if.

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From:

toiletseat_girl

...did you seriously pack all the cans of anchovies?

From:

itsnotaonesie

Um. At least most of 'em.

...did... did you want them?

From:

toiletseat_girl

No. I was just wondering why you took 'em all outta the pantry after hoarding 'em so long.

From:

itsnotaonesie

Oh! Well Nate was all "hey guys, if you can bring food and stuff for the trip that would be great" and I was all, I got like a million anchovies? And he asked me to bring 'em. So. That's the anchovy story, it's not that exciting.

From:

toiletseat_girl

Wait, who the fuck is Nate? I've been here nearly two fucking years and I don't know anybody named Nate. And damnit, I wish one of the cans had been left behind. I was gonna get an anchovy and feta cheese flatbread going, you know, really get the rank smells all combined together and now? Nada.

From:

itsnotaonesie

You don't know Nate? He's uh, some kind of archaeologist. Or grave robber? There's kind of a grey area there, I think? And I can totally save a can for you, if you're serious about that nightmare flatbread.

From:

toiletseat_girl

No, I don't fucking know Nate. If I did, I wouldn't have asked about 'im. Jesus fucking Christ, you'd think someone like that would stand out a little. And, nah, it's cool. You guys need 'em, so you guys eat 'em.

But please tell me you brought a doctor or healer of some kind on your exciting wildlife adventure?

From:

itsnotaonesie

O-okay, dumb question, you're right.

We uh. Have some wizards? And I'm sure at least someone has some basic first aid training.

From:

toiletseat_girl

I usually am.

[and she groans and sounds worried] Seriously? Maybe it would be a good idea to ask one of those wizards if they know how to heal. 'Cause if these things are as tough as everyone says they are, someone's gonna need healing.

From:

itsnotaonesie

I'll ask around. As far as the snail dues go, so far they've only attacked people who are by themselves or in small groups. There's a lot of us out here, I think we'll be fine.

Besides, one of these dudes is like seven feet tall and built like a tank. Most things wouldn't look at that and go "ah yes, that's what I want to throw hands with".

From:

toiletseat_girl

[she sounds vaguely dubious] Okay. What are you guys actually planning to do out there, anyway? Investigate? Or actually catch one of those guys?

They might think it was a fun challenge.

From:

itsnotaonesie

We're heading out to the mountains, looking for bunkers and stuff. We're not out here to fight anything, this is strictly an information gathering expedition.

From:

toiletseat_girl

[she sounds wary]...you do realize that sounds like the plot to every monster horror movie ever, right? "We're just exploring the lair of these strange, alien creatures, no way are we gonna run into one. Or a dozen."

[look, this is how she expresses she cares, she worries and applies sarcasm]

From:

itsnotaonesie

Yeah, sounds pretty cool, right? I'm recording like everything, if we run into a bunch of aliens, this is gonna be the best documentary ever.

From:

toiletseat_girl

Exactly right, 'cause that worked out so well for the characters in "The Blair Witch Project." Make absolutely certain that the footage is as herky-fucking-jerky as possible so that everyone watching gets motion sickness.

[....George, no, he probably doesn't even know what "The Blair Witch Project" is. he's like, a young'un. have mercy]

From:

itsnotaonesie

Oh man, I've never seen that one. That was the fake like, forest demon thing documentary, right?

[Please, this is Peter "everything I know I learned from movies" Parker. If he hasn't seen a movie, he's at least heard of it.]

From:

toiletseat_girl

Sure is. Scared the shit outta people way back when. 'Cause at first, the guys who made the movie were like "oh, it's real footage, not a fake," and only later said "LOL, it's a hoax." It's not awful, if you don't mind an hour and a half of nobody actors bitching with each other before the creepy shit happens. Oh, or the motion sickness. That shit was real.

[and George has seen just about every scary, spooky, horror movie. and then she died in 2003 and her pop culture references come to a screeching, crashing halt]

From:

itsnotaonesie

I mean, I like when horror stories have a chance to build up before things start to get all... y'know, horror-y. But an hour of bitching seems a bit excessive.

From:

toiletseat_girl

Oh, it was. I was totally rooting for the witch by the end.

But you've gotta tell me if there are any good scary movies I need to see. And about anything Quentin Tarantino did. Wait, you're not old enough to go to Tarantino movies by yourself.

From:

itsnotaonesie

Yeah, I haven't really kept up with Tarantino.

Actually, wait, how long have I been here? I might be old enough, or else I'm getting really close. Keeping track of time around here sucks.

From:

toiletseat_girl

[said in a tone of absolute disbelief] You haven't kept up with Tarantino? Heresy! "Reservoir Dogs," Pulp Fiction," "Jackie Brown," and "Kill Bill vol.1" are four of the best movies of all time. Give me a minute.

[during that minute, the occasional muttered "holy shit" and "what the fuck?" can be heard]

Okay, okay, I'm chill, I'm calm, I'm cool. How long have you been here? Six months at least? Why, think you've had a birthday?

From:

itsnotaonesie

I mean, I've heard of them, I just haven't seen all of them. I did see both Kill Bills, though. I mean, not when they came out, obviously. I was like four.

[ARE you cool though, George? Are you????]

Ahh, let's see...

[hang on he's taking a moment to count off a few months on his fingers UUHHH????]

No, no, I think I still have a few months to go. Wow, has it really been like six months already?

From:

toiletseat_girl

Oh my god, we have seriously got to rent some fucking dvds and have ourselves a film festival when we get to you world. [and in a tone which allows no argument] Where everything will be fine. I am totally willing to find that purple-skinned douchebag and make him take it back. I have my ways.

[which she. . . has never actually used in the wild? she's just heard of what Roxy did and is willing to take a chance that it might work.

NO, SHE IS NOT COOL, THANK YOU.

but she hangs out. THis is fine]

Awww, you're still a young'un. And it has! Crazy, huh?

From:

itsnotaonesie

[He's juuuust gonna refrain from pointing out that she'd probably have to search the endless reaches of space to do any of that, aaand the technology with which to do said space searching isn't exactly readily available on Earth yet. His world and Thanos are his two least favorite subjects so he's just gonna smile and nod. Not that she can see the smiling or the nodding, but it happens!!!!]

Yeah, crazy's a good word for it. Time flies when you're... well, I was gonna say having fun, but I think "pretending you're not on the verge of a nervous breakdown" is more accurate.

From:

toiletseat_girl

[never, ever underestimate the powers of one extremely pissed off Grim Reaper with a grudge. which she has. a big one. huge. like roughly the size of Canada]

Okaaaaay, that sounds shitty. I get why the "pretending you're not on the verge of a nervous breakdown" bit. But. Uh. Fuck.

...wanna talk about it?

[muttered: did that sound stupid? That sounded stupid]